The Tale of Dirty Dan - Intermission

A brief state of the union on my biggest project.

Alright - time for a bit of housecleaning.

I toyed with making this a post on Notes, but, frankly, I’m not the biggest fan of the Notes feature, and I also know how finicky it can be about what it does and doesn’t show on the feed, so I figured a brief article to explain why the concluding pieces of the overall series have been absent is probably in order.

Usually, I do a not insignificant amount of research into all of my articles to keep them both factually accurate and comprehensive. When it comes to detailing the sordid saga of Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon Studios, I’ve been careful to be particularly attentive and thorough in my research given the rather serious and grim nature. This is especially germane to the conclusion, which will cover many allegations that, frankly, I would not be comfortable misrepresenting. It may sound silly, given that I am a rather niche writer with a humble following, but any time that I speak about something with such gravitas, I feel as if it demands a greater deal of attention and care for the sake of everyone involved. Will Drake Bell, Jeanette McCurdy, or Dan Schneider ever read these articles? Probably not. Will anyone who does read them ever actually be in a position where the picture I paint of them will be important? Again, doubtful. But one can never be certain. The upcoming parts of the series will handle the most delicate and prickly aspects of the overall narrative. Up until now, it’s mostly been a fun retrospective of Schneider’s output that has largely glossed over the reasons that it’s titled Dirty Dan, but rest assured that those elements of the story are, at this point, unavoidable, and I feel compelled to make sure that they’re presented as accurately as possible, if only to assuage my own conscience.

Given that the research materials I’ve been using have largely been both lengthy reads and even lengthier video sources, collecting the necessary information commands a lot of time. Time, unfortunately, has been at something of a premium as of late. Between work and other obligations, I really haven’t had much to spare, as of late. The largest demand recently has been an upcoming trip which organizing, preparing, and planning for has required a lot of time, upon which I shall embark upon tomorrow.

To where is it I shall be departing, my dearest Eliza?

I’ll be returning to the mothership, of course. As all respectable citizens of the colonies should at least once in their lives. Pip pip cheerio, and all that guff. For how long will I be eating an unconscionable amount of fish and chips and bangers and mash and toads in holes?

Two weeks. You know. A fortnight, as it was known before that word became synonymous with what might be the biggest game of all time. That’s the joke.

Most of my time, I’ll be in the Northern half of the country - or as they call it, the norf - and I fully intend to spend every night in a pub of some sort. Honestly, if something like this doesn’t happen, I’m going to be sorely disappointed.

I really feel as if this is my only opportunity to experience something akin to this, because, believe me, something like that could not happen in the America of 2024. It just isn’t realistic. Someone would get shot. I just know it.

For obvious reasons, I won’t have much free time while there, let alone time to spend watching and reading anything about sitcoms made for children. I assume much of my free time will be spent nursing hangovers and watching soccer - sorry, footie - and aimlessly wandering the countryside.

Now, I will have a surplus of time as I fly in a tin-can with wings over the Atlantic - a prospect I very much dread - and during that time I plan on doing what research I can, taking notes, organizing them, so on and so forth, but once I’m there, I don’t even want to think about the name Schneider.

This is all to say that, yes, the conclusion is coming, but it won’t be until July at the earliest. I’m really saying this as much for anyone invested in the series as much as I am for myself, to make sure I don’t let it fall by the wayside as I have another particular series of articles that… well, they’re coming. Eventually. One day. Probably.

The biggest issue is that July, too, will be quite eventful as I have family coming in from across the country that I don’t see often that I want to spend as much time with as I can, and, come August… I’ll be on another plane across the Atlantic, as well. But not to jolly old London town for a second time.

I like this better than the German national anthem. I think it should be the German national anthem, and should only be performed in lederhosen and Tyrolean hats, which I know is more of an Austrian thing, but you have to understand that us dumb Americans don’t really differentiate between Switzerland, Austria, and Germany - to us they’re all one vague, ambiguous collection of jolly, yodeling beer drinkers who just so happen to make expensive cars and did some rather controversial things in the 1940’s.

Yes - I will be one busy monkey. This is assuming that between now and then that cooler heads in Europe don’t prevail and someone does something silly that turns the entire continent into a warzone, but I’m choosing not to think about that at the moment. For practical reasons.

This is all to say that the usual weekly content schedule I’ve held myself to may not hold over the summer months, and will certainly not be viable while I’m getting schlitzed on kölsch in a biergarten overlooking the Danube with buxom, dirndl-wearing Tuetonic mädchen. At least, that’s what I’m hoping I’ll be doing, rather than being airlifted out of Munich as Russian tanks roll over the border. Then again, given how… adroit the Biden administration was with getting American citizens out of Kabul as the Taliban stormed in, I’m rather certain I and every other poor sap holding an American passport in Europe will just be given the old OnlyUseMeBlade-ism, Figure it out, dude.

Barring that, regular scheduled shitposting will resume as the nights grow longer, the temperatures fall, and objectively the best part of the year returns in full force.

For those invested in the tale of Dirty Dan, stay tuned - we’ll be right back after these messages.

And more than a couple pints.

Cheers, mates.

By the way, did you know they drink a lot of beer at room temperature over there?

Wild.