Had the new films not been ESG design-by-committee trash fires, this would have been a sort of Mecca. A constantly churning fan convention. What the starcruiser lacked in attraction the fans would have filled in with their own gusto. Goodness knows less alive franchises keep going on fan fumes.
Instead we have... this. That sun room hurts me. It speaks to an architect with a non-negotiable list of things to put in, and an equally non-negotiable budget. The Zumwalt-class dedtroyer of resorts.
The sun room kind of says it all, doesn't it? A small room with nothing to do. The bare minimum. The absolute nadir of effort. A totally perfunctory addition. You're right that the fans would have picked up the slack, but there's so little to work with, so little substance, that the whole Halcy-con ordeal feels to me like doing CPR on a dead man.
Unfortunately, since passes are sold out and there's already a two-hundred plus wait list to get any cancellations or expansions (I checked), even if I did manage to get the funds, I doubt I'd make it in. Not to say I wouldn't try, but still. Believe me, I'd love it if I could fund such a thing through my Substack readership, if they were interested in such an expose, but I don't think the Galactic Starcruiser Con will be the one it happens with. I will say though - if (and that's a BIG if) it happens again next year... I would seriously consider making a dedicated attempt to myself. You know. For some true investigative journaling.
Tbh I think you were very compassionate toward the Reddit super fan types, like it’s not really their fault in that no one asked for American culture to be so… fucking lame and dumb.
I will admit to a certain low level of animosity due to having "Captain Ma’Li Ficent and Jorg Sacul" now forever lodged in my memory.
Also, this:
"Now is revealed the true nature and purpose and power of the game offence… I am what I am and I see the nature of my offence… It is finished—it is finished IT IS THE MERCY."
Is actually the best thing I've read all week. It is precisely what I would want to be found on an abandoned yacht. I just don't want to be the person finding it.
Anyway the rest of your post is full of primo horror-movie material. I don't know what Hollywood's fucking problem is.
I'm not gonna lie - Ma'Li Ficent struck me, but Jorg Sacul flew right over my head until now. I did think the guy actually looks somewhat like a Dollar Store George Lucas, and I almost pointed it out, but didn't. Hollywood's problem is - and this is a gross oversimplification - a confluence of a lack of talent, an incestuous and internal internal network that abhors outside influence, and, of course, a crippling aversion to risk. All of which I think would be solved if they fund my burgeoning horror-rom-com cinematic universe endeavor. I'd get that ship going in the right direction.
Also, by the way - I think you're gonna enjoy the next piece I have lined up ;)
Superb read and wonderfully structured - deft weaving together of the Lovecraftian horror of the vast empty-but-for-nameless-sources-of-violent-death oceans and the Ballardian despair of modern slave entertainment. Would recommend - by the way, do you have a grift shop?
Thank you, I'm glad it all came together cohesively. Maritime mysteries and disasters are something of a morbid fascination of mine... along with the politics and knock-on effects of modern slave entertainment. As for any sort of shop, grift or otherwise, not at the moment. Though I would like to make a shirt that says "I WENT ON THE GALACTIC STARCRUISER AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT", if only for my own use.
I'm not a man who's necessarily an expert in business. I've picked up some key and useful lessons over the years, but I'm no master, particularly when it comes to the hospitality industry. Sure, I've got friends who work in it that can give me insights, but we're not talking management level stuff here. We're talking reception, guest relations, and sometimes tours in the case of the girl I used to know who worked at the historic Hotel Del Coronado.
And yet, even as a layman on the outside looking in, I found myself repeating the line that was practically James Rolfe's mantra as the Nerd: "What were they thinking?"
The entirety of how the Galactic Starcruiser "luxury" hotel was handled is a lesson in poor decision making so abject and obvious that part of me wonders if it wasn't incompetence, but self sabotage. It's not as if Disney doesn't know how to build a luxury resort hotel, both Disneyland and Disney World have them, overpriced though they are. It's also not like they don't have access to experts within the hospitality industry that could've helped them set up the hotel in a manner that played to its theme but still provided the amenities one would expect from a top tier resort experience. I mean even the cheapest of the dozen or so tribal casinos in my county offers better amenities than this shitshow did, for fuck's sake.
It's pathetic to think that the fixes to the problem are so plainly obvious, yet never once were they acted upon. It genuinely does lead me to wonder, between self sabotage or immense incompetence, which one was the chief culprit. Normally I'd default to Occam's Razor in the absence of more concrete evidence, but in this case the fuckups were so easy to see that it really feels like it could be a toss-up between either option.
I lean towards "immense incompetence", but at times I find it difficult to believe that self sabotage is not the leading cause. I honestly think that if Iger wanted to take Kathleen Kennedy to court for intentional sabotage and willful, malicious intent to cause financial harm, he'd have a case. By this point I think it's clear he prioritizes towing the party line over profit, and, as many have (correctly) surmised, they've made it abundantly clear that money is not their end goal, but still. This may tie into the accusation of incompetence, but I think some part of it is that the creative ingenuity and hospitality experience necessary to make such an attraction like the Galactic Starcruiser simply wasn't there in the Imagineering staff. A lot of undue credit goes to the current crop of Imagineers at Disney for various things, and while the engineering side still seems to be on point, they're just that - engineers. Not hospitality people. This should have been a collaboration between Imagineers and Disney's hospitality experts, but it doesn't seem like that's the case. One of the biggest disconnects appears to be that Disney viewed the Starcruiser as a ride and/or experience - the guests were expecting a hotel. And they weren't wrong, since it was marketed as a themed, luxury hotel. It's like marketing a cheese burger and selling a vegan soy-protein patty, so of course many of the customers were not going to like what they got. For all the rave reviews on Reddit, you can find more scathing accounts of people who did not enjoy their time on other sites.
Your burger comparison had me recall an absolutely batshit limited idea McDonald's attempted in the 90's to try and bring in the Lent crowd who often gave up red meat - the Aloha Burger. Butter toasted bun, two slices of cheese, and...
A grilled pineapple ring.
That's it. No sauce, no condiments, no patty of any kind to be found. It failed miserably.
The Galactic Starcruiser is the Aloha Burger of Disney parks.
I remember reading about that in one of those trivia-packed bathroom reader books that turned me into the encyclopedic repository of useless information that I am now. It isn't like Catholics are allowed to, like, eat fish on Friday, or anything. And I know some tradcath friends of mine take the fasting and dietary restrictions during lent pretty seriously, but most of my novus ordo friends... not so much.
Great comparison, honestly. Gonna have to use that more. Also, failed McDonald's products would make a great article. Reminds me of the McPizza. What a great idea that was.
The Filet o fish was created to market to catholics (this is literally a factoid from a bathroom reader tier source so if im wrong don’t think I’m a moron [i am but only in allowed to acknowledge it])
Thank you, and, to corroborate that factoid, yes, it was. I also read that in the same article as the pineapple burger, which upon a quick google search I discovered was actually called the Hula burger, not the Aloha burger, but... close enough. Apparently it was invented around the same time as the fish filet, which was started by a franchisee, while the Hula burger was the idea of Ray Croc. Smart enough to standardize the restaurant... not smart enough to think of a fish sandwich, I guess.
I'm put in mind of the parallels between Disney and the 1980s Soviet Union. Bob seems to think he runs his own independent city state in Disney, and he has his Politburo of political ideologues like KK. The problem is, like the 1980s Soviets, you can see nobody at the operational level have much interest in these grand projects that the Politburo keeps insisting on that will fail, because telling the Politburo or Bob's flunkies like KK unpleasant truths about their schemes gets you removed for a more pliant flunky. So you do the minimum needed to cash your paycheck, and never challenge the Party bosses. That cycle starts gaining a life of its own, and that's what happened to the Galactic Starcruiser, writ small, and Disney itself writ large. The Party bosses decided this was how it was going to be, and nobody wants to attract the wrong kind of attention from the Party.
Their hubris also plays a huge role. Bob cannot admit that KK is a disastrous mistake, because Bob selected her. That means Bob was wrong, and Bob is never wrong. Same with the failure of the GSC (and every Disney failure)- the customers were wrong, or "saboteurs" and "wreckers" or "fascists" destroyed it, not Disney. They need to be reeducated to love Disney and everything the Dear Leader Bob does, because he's a megalomaniac.
When Bob Iger prioritizes hiring political hacks for Disney employees instead of Imagineers or entertainment professionals who might impinge on his own 'popularity' (e.g., John Lasseter, Ike Perlmutter), then it isn't too hard to imagine that untalented clods were employed in this design and execution clown show. Par for the course at Iger's Disney.
Worth noting that Bob Chapek, for all his faults and notoriously parsimonious business acumen, seems like exactly the kind of guy that could have balanced out the best of both worlds with his experience as the chief of park operations. Of course, he was shown the door for stepping on Iger's toes and not towing the party line.
Seriously, it would have been so easy. You build a space luxury liner, the space equivalent of the Titanic without the iceberg, with pools and first class everything and all the stupid shit (just Star Wars) those real Disney cruise ships have on board for the kids and the adults, and you build exclusive alien worlds, inaccessible to the regular park visitors both outdoors and indoors for the passengers to visit when the "ship" gets to "port".
Not a bad idea, but that would have taken effort and, more importantly, money. They made it abundantly clear that this whole misguided attempt was meant to extract as little of both as possible.
Exactly! The "alien" world wouldn't need to be too crazy a design, either, just something really nice that you could set up as a cool park for people to hang out in at some point. A couple exotic trees, maybe set up a swimming area that looks like a natural swimming hole, little playground area for the kids, all Star Wars themed. Couple activities to do in the "ship" itself, nicer rooms with more space, etc. That's the kind of basic level theming Disney already does on their rides, it would've been cake to do that for the Galactic Starcruiser, too.
And if you really wanted to fleece the idiots who have more money than brains or the competitive Karens with their trophy children, you build multiple "alien" ports of call that each "cruise" doesn't always visit, so in order to see every one, you have to come back again and again to the Galactic DeluxeCruiser to book a "trip" to Mon Calamari or Mandalore or fuckin' Baby Yoda Planet. There would be a special planet for Bob Iger's people full of Wattos. Call it Planet Shylock.
Had the new films not been ESG design-by-committee trash fires, this would have been a sort of Mecca. A constantly churning fan convention. What the starcruiser lacked in attraction the fans would have filled in with their own gusto. Goodness knows less alive franchises keep going on fan fumes.
Instead we have... this. That sun room hurts me. It speaks to an architect with a non-negotiable list of things to put in, and an equally non-negotiable budget. The Zumwalt-class dedtroyer of resorts.
The sun room kind of says it all, doesn't it? A small room with nothing to do. The bare minimum. The absolute nadir of effort. A totally perfunctory addition. You're right that the fans would have picked up the slack, but there's so little to work with, so little substance, that the whole Halcy-con ordeal feels to me like doing CPR on a dead man.
Bro can you make a GoFund me so we can pay to have you go to the convention and write a multi part article on it?
Lots of sexy lady ewoks and shit, too
Unfortunately, since passes are sold out and there's already a two-hundred plus wait list to get any cancellations or expansions (I checked), even if I did manage to get the funds, I doubt I'd make it in. Not to say I wouldn't try, but still. Believe me, I'd love it if I could fund such a thing through my Substack readership, if they were interested in such an expose, but I don't think the Galactic Starcruiser Con will be the one it happens with. I will say though - if (and that's a BIG if) it happens again next year... I would seriously consider making a dedicated attempt to myself. You know. For some true investigative journaling.
Tbh I think you were very compassionate toward the Reddit super fan types, like it’s not really their fault in that no one asked for American culture to be so… fucking lame and dumb.
Jesus christ. I felt less disgust and pity reading that trove of documents about the gay scene in the early days of the AIDS epidemic.
Gaétan Dugas has entered the chat (and he is pissed! [and horny])
I did not expect all the twists and turns, but I did expect hilarity and thoroughness and thoughtfulness and I was not disappointed. Thank you :)
Thanks as always, Jenn. Your support is always appreciated, and I'm glad you enjoyed.
I will admit to a certain low level of animosity due to having "Captain Ma’Li Ficent and Jorg Sacul" now forever lodged in my memory.
Also, this:
"Now is revealed the true nature and purpose and power of the game offence… I am what I am and I see the nature of my offence… It is finished—it is finished IT IS THE MERCY."
Is actually the best thing I've read all week. It is precisely what I would want to be found on an abandoned yacht. I just don't want to be the person finding it.
Anyway the rest of your post is full of primo horror-movie material. I don't know what Hollywood's fucking problem is.
I'm not gonna lie - Ma'Li Ficent struck me, but Jorg Sacul flew right over my head until now. I did think the guy actually looks somewhat like a Dollar Store George Lucas, and I almost pointed it out, but didn't. Hollywood's problem is - and this is a gross oversimplification - a confluence of a lack of talent, an incestuous and internal internal network that abhors outside influence, and, of course, a crippling aversion to risk. All of which I think would be solved if they fund my burgeoning horror-rom-com cinematic universe endeavor. I'd get that ship going in the right direction.
Also, by the way - I think you're gonna enjoy the next piece I have lined up ;)
Superb read and wonderfully structured - deft weaving together of the Lovecraftian horror of the vast empty-but-for-nameless-sources-of-violent-death oceans and the Ballardian despair of modern slave entertainment. Would recommend - by the way, do you have a grift shop?
Thank you, I'm glad it all came together cohesively. Maritime mysteries and disasters are something of a morbid fascination of mine... along with the politics and knock-on effects of modern slave entertainment. As for any sort of shop, grift or otherwise, not at the moment. Though I would like to make a shirt that says "I WENT ON THE GALACTIC STARCRUISER AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT", if only for my own use.
I'm not a man who's necessarily an expert in business. I've picked up some key and useful lessons over the years, but I'm no master, particularly when it comes to the hospitality industry. Sure, I've got friends who work in it that can give me insights, but we're not talking management level stuff here. We're talking reception, guest relations, and sometimes tours in the case of the girl I used to know who worked at the historic Hotel Del Coronado.
And yet, even as a layman on the outside looking in, I found myself repeating the line that was practically James Rolfe's mantra as the Nerd: "What were they thinking?"
The entirety of how the Galactic Starcruiser "luxury" hotel was handled is a lesson in poor decision making so abject and obvious that part of me wonders if it wasn't incompetence, but self sabotage. It's not as if Disney doesn't know how to build a luxury resort hotel, both Disneyland and Disney World have them, overpriced though they are. It's also not like they don't have access to experts within the hospitality industry that could've helped them set up the hotel in a manner that played to its theme but still provided the amenities one would expect from a top tier resort experience. I mean even the cheapest of the dozen or so tribal casinos in my county offers better amenities than this shitshow did, for fuck's sake.
It's pathetic to think that the fixes to the problem are so plainly obvious, yet never once were they acted upon. It genuinely does lead me to wonder, between self sabotage or immense incompetence, which one was the chief culprit. Normally I'd default to Occam's Razor in the absence of more concrete evidence, but in this case the fuckups were so easy to see that it really feels like it could be a toss-up between either option.
I lean towards "immense incompetence", but at times I find it difficult to believe that self sabotage is not the leading cause. I honestly think that if Iger wanted to take Kathleen Kennedy to court for intentional sabotage and willful, malicious intent to cause financial harm, he'd have a case. By this point I think it's clear he prioritizes towing the party line over profit, and, as many have (correctly) surmised, they've made it abundantly clear that money is not their end goal, but still. This may tie into the accusation of incompetence, but I think some part of it is that the creative ingenuity and hospitality experience necessary to make such an attraction like the Galactic Starcruiser simply wasn't there in the Imagineering staff. A lot of undue credit goes to the current crop of Imagineers at Disney for various things, and while the engineering side still seems to be on point, they're just that - engineers. Not hospitality people. This should have been a collaboration between Imagineers and Disney's hospitality experts, but it doesn't seem like that's the case. One of the biggest disconnects appears to be that Disney viewed the Starcruiser as a ride and/or experience - the guests were expecting a hotel. And they weren't wrong, since it was marketed as a themed, luxury hotel. It's like marketing a cheese burger and selling a vegan soy-protein patty, so of course many of the customers were not going to like what they got. For all the rave reviews on Reddit, you can find more scathing accounts of people who did not enjoy their time on other sites.
Your burger comparison had me recall an absolutely batshit limited idea McDonald's attempted in the 90's to try and bring in the Lent crowd who often gave up red meat - the Aloha Burger. Butter toasted bun, two slices of cheese, and...
A grilled pineapple ring.
That's it. No sauce, no condiments, no patty of any kind to be found. It failed miserably.
The Galactic Starcruiser is the Aloha Burger of Disney parks.
I remember reading about that in one of those trivia-packed bathroom reader books that turned me into the encyclopedic repository of useless information that I am now. It isn't like Catholics are allowed to, like, eat fish on Friday, or anything. And I know some tradcath friends of mine take the fasting and dietary restrictions during lent pretty seriously, but most of my novus ordo friends... not so much.
Great comparison, honestly. Gonna have to use that more. Also, failed McDonald's products would make a great article. Reminds me of the McPizza. What a great idea that was.
The Filet o fish was created to market to catholics (this is literally a factoid from a bathroom reader tier source so if im wrong don’t think I’m a moron [i am but only in allowed to acknowledge it])
Really enjoyed the article btw
Thank you, and, to corroborate that factoid, yes, it was. I also read that in the same article as the pineapple burger, which upon a quick google search I discovered was actually called the Hula burger, not the Aloha burger, but... close enough. Apparently it was invented around the same time as the fish filet, which was started by a franchisee, while the Hula burger was the idea of Ray Croc. Smart enough to standardize the restaurant... not smart enough to think of a fish sandwich, I guess.
I'm put in mind of the parallels between Disney and the 1980s Soviet Union. Bob seems to think he runs his own independent city state in Disney, and he has his Politburo of political ideologues like KK. The problem is, like the 1980s Soviets, you can see nobody at the operational level have much interest in these grand projects that the Politburo keeps insisting on that will fail, because telling the Politburo or Bob's flunkies like KK unpleasant truths about their schemes gets you removed for a more pliant flunky. So you do the minimum needed to cash your paycheck, and never challenge the Party bosses. That cycle starts gaining a life of its own, and that's what happened to the Galactic Starcruiser, writ small, and Disney itself writ large. The Party bosses decided this was how it was going to be, and nobody wants to attract the wrong kind of attention from the Party.
Their hubris also plays a huge role. Bob cannot admit that KK is a disastrous mistake, because Bob selected her. That means Bob was wrong, and Bob is never wrong. Same with the failure of the GSC (and every Disney failure)- the customers were wrong, or "saboteurs" and "wreckers" or "fascists" destroyed it, not Disney. They need to be reeducated to love Disney and everything the Dear Leader Bob does, because he's a megalomaniac.
When Bob Iger prioritizes hiring political hacks for Disney employees instead of Imagineers or entertainment professionals who might impinge on his own 'popularity' (e.g., John Lasseter, Ike Perlmutter), then it isn't too hard to imagine that untalented clods were employed in this design and execution clown show. Par for the course at Iger's Disney.
Worth noting that Bob Chapek, for all his faults and notoriously parsimonious business acumen, seems like exactly the kind of guy that could have balanced out the best of both worlds with his experience as the chief of park operations. Of course, he was shown the door for stepping on Iger's toes and not towing the party line.
And Bob Chapek's only green-lit movie, Deadpool & Wolverine, may be the only production that makes money for that trash fire of a studio in 2024.
The cancer is Iger.
Seriously, it would have been so easy. You build a space luxury liner, the space equivalent of the Titanic without the iceberg, with pools and first class everything and all the stupid shit (just Star Wars) those real Disney cruise ships have on board for the kids and the adults, and you build exclusive alien worlds, inaccessible to the regular park visitors both outdoors and indoors for the passengers to visit when the "ship" gets to "port".
Not a bad idea, but that would have taken effort and, more importantly, money. They made it abundantly clear that this whole misguided attempt was meant to extract as little of both as possible.
Exactly! The "alien" world wouldn't need to be too crazy a design, either, just something really nice that you could set up as a cool park for people to hang out in at some point. A couple exotic trees, maybe set up a swimming area that looks like a natural swimming hole, little playground area for the kids, all Star Wars themed. Couple activities to do in the "ship" itself, nicer rooms with more space, etc. That's the kind of basic level theming Disney already does on their rides, it would've been cake to do that for the Galactic Starcruiser, too.
And if you really wanted to fleece the idiots who have more money than brains or the competitive Karens with their trophy children, you build multiple "alien" ports of call that each "cruise" doesn't always visit, so in order to see every one, you have to come back again and again to the Galactic DeluxeCruiser to book a "trip" to Mon Calamari or Mandalore or fuckin' Baby Yoda Planet. There would be a special planet for Bob Iger's people full of Wattos. Call it Planet Shylock.