Harry Potter and the Snapewives
Gaze upon their works, ye mighty, and despair.
Harry Potter and the Woman at the Train Station
Today, I will try to explain to you both the full breadth and scope of the fandom that surrounds the Harry Potter intellectual property.
Today, I will fail to do so, as to accomplish such a feat is quite literally a Sisyphean one. There is a nobility in struggling for a lost and honorable cause, of which I believe I am about to embark, but to fully encapsulate the Wizarding World fandom to its full extent, from the most harmless, surface-level fan conventions to the most depraved and deviant depths of the lightless abyss that lie at the opposite end of the spectrum, is simply a task that I am not equipped to handle. Frankly, I’m not sure anyone is.
In a way, I believe that may be why I find fandom so interesting - in so many ways, these eclectic bands of passionate misfits create their own cultures, their own societies, even, adjacent to the mainstream, and, despite whatever highfalutin ideals they may subscribe to, or how apart from the whole they believe themselves to be, in the end, they often act as a beautiful and succinct microcosm of greater human civilization. To take a Spenglerian approach to it, it could be said that each, like the great cultures Spengler wrote of, have their own personalities, their own flavors, and they all experience their own seasons, as well. They have their robust and energetic summers, where they expand and grow and flourish. They have their winters of discontent, isolation, shrinking, and withering. The greatest of them repeat this seasonal cycle many times, rising and falling, expanding and contracting, living, dying, and being reborn, again and again and again, while the smaller and less robust among them exist like a gunshot in the historical record - abruptly and unexpectedly exploding outwardly in a burst of kinetic energy before vanishing just as quickly as they appeared.
Which of these is the Harry Potter fandom? Well, perhaps discerning the answer to that is all that we can do, here.
The thing is, chronicling fandom is, even at the best of times, a difficult and daunting task. I’d say it’s less like scholarly research and more like archeology. Given the liquid state of the internet and what is and isn’t available, much like history, a good portion of even the most well-documented fandoms past are continually slipping away. It’s a gradual process, but, just like how the wind and elements slowly but certainly grind even the vast statues of mighty pharaohs into dust, fandoms, too, are worn down as their constituent pieces blink out into the ether with every deleted blog post, revoked net domain, and lost, defunct forum being swallowed by obscurity. Little by little, it all crumbles and erodes until naught but a pair of vast and trunkless legs remain, standing alone in the seemingly endless expanse of the digital landscape as the only testament that any of it was ever there at all.
Of course, like the myths and folklore of old, tales trickle down through oral tradition, as elders pass on the tales of great heroes, ferocious beasts, madmen and saviors and tricksters and saints alike, to the youth, who in turn share those stories in hushed tones with those who come after them, still. Conversely, these stories may be put to text, but, as the years pass, and more and more pieces of the internet simply wink out of existence, all that remains of these documented tales are scattered and incomplete fragments, like pieces of clay tablets unearthed in ruined temples or scraps of papyrus found in old pottery.
And the Harry Potter fandom is nothing if not old. Very old. The first fan-sites reportedly came into being circa 1998, only one scant year after the first book’s British release. In the dramatically advanced and hyper-fast scale of time on the internet, where even half-a-year feels like half-a-century, if the Eternal September was tantamount to the Great Deluge that wiped clean the Earth, 1998 is comparable to the Bronze Age - the age of great empires that stretched across the Fertile Crescent, chariots rumbling through the golden, sun-baked deserts, populated by vast hordes of slaves and servants laboring beneath the shadows of ziggurauts and despotic god-kings. Much like the grand cities of Babylon, Uruk, and Akkad, not much remains of these sites aside from weather-beaten and half-crumbled relics, artifacts, and ruins and a handful of dream-like tales blended together from an indiscernible ratio of fact and fiction.
One such sordid drama that was preserved in disparate pieces of fragmented text and second-hand accounts is that of the Snapewives, which seems to be as good a place as any to begin our excavation.
Now, I want to give credit where credit is due - there is nothing I could tell you about the Saga of the Snapewives that I didn’t learn from other fandom archeologists. Much of what we know of this tale, like words chiseled into the wall of some lost temple, is from the site, LiveJournal. Established in 1999, LiveJournal is one of the first and most popular blogging sites that I can remember, and, as such, was the platform of choice for a significant portion of fandom activity in the early 2000’s. In a lot of ways, it was a predecessor to Tumblr, which in turn stole a grand majority of its traffic, users, and with them the dubious title of most obnoxious user base on the internet. Even though the site still functions today, it does so as a shade of its former glory. Part of this decline was facilitated when the site was sold to a Russian company in 2007, but, damaging as that may have been at the time, it is now the most popular blogging platform on the Russian-speaking corner of the internet. I suspect that’s probably the only thing that’s keeping the site afloat.
Anyways, LiveJournal was always a bit foreign to me, and navigating it’s rather obtuse user-interface never seemed all that easy. Trying to pick my way through quite literally the ruins of some of these blogs, littered with dead hyperlinks and deleted images that have long since been purged from their hosting sites, is pretty much the internet research equivalent of this.
Other, braver spelunkers have tackled this case and compiled the information that I will now relate to you. There are several videos on the Snapewives, but I find I like this one by YouTuber StrangeSoup. It’s both informative and, also, not three hours long like the others on the topic. I highly suggest you give it a watch - after you finish this, of course.
I’m also drawing on an actual, honest-to-God scholarly article written by Zoe Aldertone, which can be found here, and I recommend you give it a read if any of this strikes your interest. But you’d better finish this first. Aldertone, in turn, credits the work of LiveJournal user julian_black’s meticulous archiving work as her main source, which demonstrates just how far the current definitive sources for information on the Snapewives is removed from the events and the people involved in them.
The name Snapewives would imply that the tale pertains to women who, for whatever reason, believed themselves to be married to the Severus Snape - the professor of potions at Hogwarts throughout the course of the Potter novels. I’d like point out that, if Harry Potter had more of a presence in the Zoomer zeitgeist, I guarantee you Snape would be appearing in Sigma Male TikTok edits along with Thomas Shelby, Patrick Bateman, and every character Ryan Gosling has ever played.
I just know it.
Unfortunately, mentally unwell individuals quote-unquote marrying fictional characters is not an unheard of phenomenon in certain fandoms. I’m pretty sure that if you took a shot of straight liquor for every person who ever sincerely claimed to be married to Sonic the Hedgehog or Miku Hatsune, you’d be dead long before you ever reached the end of the list. I’m fairly certain there were enough bronies who “married” their favorite ponies that they could probably start a commune. It was a distressingly common occurrence in that sphere in particular with some very well-documented and disturbing instances that played no small part in cementing the poor reputation of the brony community to outside observers.
To put it in simple terms and grossly oversimplify a rather extensive saga, the Snapewives were a collection of women on LiveJournal circa the early 2000’s that believed themselves to be in a sort of polygamous, sister-wife-esque relationship with Severus Snape. And more.
Oh, no. They weren’t content to just be married to Snape. See, these women - they weren’t stupid. They weren’t delusional. They knew you couldn’t have a romantic relationship, let alone legal matrimony, with a fictional character. That would be silly. But they weren’t silly. After all, they knew - they knew - that Snape is not a fictional character. Severus Snape is actually an immortal, omniscient entity from a higher plane of existence.
Didn’t you know?
Well, you do now. And, now that you do, you’d better bust out those old, dog-eared copies of the Half-Blood Prince, put on your wizard robes, and get ready to sing your little hearts out, because we’re about to shout the good word from the mountaintops! Snape has risen! Hallelujah!
I’ll let the followers speak for themselves in their own words.
“I BELIEVE THAT SEVERUS SNAPE EXISTS INDEPENDENTLY OF JKR! HE IS A LIVING, FEELING SPIRIT. I BELIEVE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND THAT SEVERUS DOES VISIT THOSE HE CHOOSES TO.”
Quote attributed to Apostle Tanya, circa 2004.
“I had told Tonya, after the wind storm passed if ANYONE ever dare tell me that Master Severus is but a mere character in a book, I’d punch their lights out! Yes, Severus to me is far FAR more then that! He is not only a powerful spirit, but like the christian god (which is a spirit as well) A God to me! Master Severus has done so many things for us, true, sceptics [sic] would find explanations for everything, however I know from experience that not only is Master Severus REAL but VERY EXTREMELY POWERFUL!!”
Quote attributed to Apostle Rose
How does this make sense? Well, as postulated by the Snapewives, J.K. Rowling as divinely inspired by Snape, who channeled his essence and included him as a character in the Potter novels. I assume it was something like John of Patmos writing the Book of Revelations, with images of apocalyptic destruction being beamed right into his head by God himself.
Why did a higher entity of unfathomable power choose to manifest as a secondary character in a series of children’s books? The same reason the Judeo-Christian godhead chose to manifest as an obscure Galilean carpenter in a backwater province of Rome during the reign of Tiberius, I guess; just for the bit.
I dunno. You want a better answer? Meditate on it. Maybe Snape will talk to you. As for me? Well… I’m not one to question the whims of the divine.
That may seem a bit odd, as, in the book, Snape is depicted as a brooding, bitterly jealous man of dubious character and questionable loyalties, described by Rowling in the books as being pale, sickly, greasy, and with notably yellowed teeth. Why would a higher power choose be described in such unflattering terms by his own prophet?
Well, for one, Rowling - she’s kind of one of those idiot savant type of prophets. She’s a tool of fate and her hands are but Snape’s playthings, but, of course, she’s totally ignorant to it all. Kind of like if Christ had miraculous powers but no knowledge of his divine heritage, and went around accidentally healing the sick and turning water into wine as a sort of parlor trick. Given Rowling’s Twitter history and penchant for picking fights, it’s probably for the best she didn’t know that she was a vessel for the divine will of God-King Snape.
But, Rowling, despite being a prophet, is also just another human. She’s fallible, as are we all, and, while she got some qualities about Snape right… she didn’t get all of them right. The messages… they can get a scrambled when they have to travel through several layers of reality and higher planes of existence, y’know? Kind of like how your television used to get weird when a storm rolled through. Not every bit of Snape’s divine plot reached Rowling, so she did the best with what she could and just kind of filled in the blanks with her own interpretation of things.
It’s kind of like the argument that the Bible, though divinely inspired, was still penned by mortal men of imperfect flesh, and thusly subject to the same imperfection. It explains why you get all those lines like, You shall not lie with a male as with a woman or, like, ninety percent of the Book of Leviticus, and all those other yucky outdated and antiquated no-no lines that don’t jive with liberal 21st century social sensibilities. Like, remember that one bit about not eating things from the sea without scales?
Yeah, you know that’s gotta be one of those mortal oopsies that slipped through the cracks due to the author’s very human imperfections and very incorrect opinions, because I’m pretty sure there’s nothing detestable about a good plate of shrimp and grits.1
Hilariously, one of the core tenants of Snapeism was a disavowal and intolerance of homosexuality. Snape, via Tonya channeling his spirit, supposedly said, I will not tolerate the so-called Slash movement. The slash movement, for those unaware, is a reference to slash fiction, which is a genre of fan fiction exclusively dedicated to shipping (romantic pairings) between male characters. Slash fiction is extremely common and pervasive in many high-profile and populous fandoms, most often those that have any sort of sizeable female population. Why is that? Well, it’s a story for another day, trust me. But, given that the majority of most of the dedicated Potterheads at this time were women, slash fiction in the Harry Potter fan-fiction sphere was about as plentiful as a bad kudzu infestation in Mississippi. It was ubiquitous to the point that gay smut and Harry Potter were practically inseparable in the world of fandom. If there were two male characters, you can bet that someone out there wrote a story about them bumping uglies in a Hogwarts bathroom.
Apparently, Snape - or, at least, the Snapewives - did not approve, most likely because it conflicted with this very personal and very, very erotically charged image of the character that the they had created in their heads. More on that bit later, though.
Anyways, believe it or not, but the Snapewives were not the only people who subscribed to this belief. No - there was an entire community dedicated to the worship of this ascendant Slytherin God-King, dubbed Snapeists, of which the Snapewives were the most prominent, most vocal, but not the only adherents to this belief system. Was it big? No. But were they loud? Very.
Not all Snapeists were Snapewives, but all Snapewives were Snapeists. I genuinely think a lot of these people were just your run-of-the-mill Potter enthusiasts that had a fondness for the character of Snape and played along as a goof, until they realized the dark secret harbored by the Snapewives that had gotten the entire ball rolling -
Nothing these women said was a joke. It was all serious. Completely, sincerely, one-hundred percent bonafide religious - and erotic - mania. Maybe it started out as something of a joke, but, as I’ve said before, the problem with running jokes is that they always catch up to you.
And, yes - Snapeism quite literally was a religion. There was enough dogma, theological postulations, prayers, rituals, and other such things, and all of them seemed to be genuinely practiced and observed by the small but zealous core of followers. As time would go on, there would even be schisms between the different members of the faith, which would result in disparate sects of Snapeism that followed varying and often contradictory tenants. The early church fathers would have said all the infighting and quibbling over details were excessive, and had there been more Snapeists, I have no doubt there would have come a time in which they held their own Council of Nicaea to hash out the finer details of what was canon and what wasn’t.
The Snapewives themselves claimed to be capable of channeling the essence of Snape, as well, and considered themselves designated priestesses of the faith and arbiters of its tenants, laws, and dogma, and regularly bullied and drummed out anyone in the community that tried to muscle in on their turf as self-designated Grand Poobahs of the Snapeist Mystery Cult.
Most of these women, in defiance of all common sense and logic, also had husbands. How did they reconcile being married to a flesh and blood man and still committing to their lord and Snape-ior? Easy - the flesh and blood man was simply that; a man. That was but a relationship of carnal passion. Animal needs. Sweet, sweet monkey love. But it was temporary. It was fleeting. It was material, and, like all things made of crude matter, was subject to decay, rot, and the toll taken by the passage of time.
Snape, however?
Oh… Snape… he was - is? - eternal. He was beyond such limitations as those imposed by the laws of time and space. His love is eternal. It is transcendent. If the Snapewives were stirred by mere eros in regards to their material husbands, for Snape, they felt more. It’s agape - universal love.
Oh, and, it was totally okay if they engaged in coitus with these human men and it wasn’t actually nullifying their vows of sexual chastity and devotion to Snape, because Snape could also possess their husbands when they did the do. It’s not cheating on your God-King if he possesses your husband like a fucking demon, you know? Just because Snape was a higher being didn’t mean he didn’t like to do the ol’ slip n’ slide beneath the sheets, y’know.
It tracks. I mean, look at Zeus.
Homie was slaying divine strange left and right up in the clouds and my man was still coming down from Olympus to flip some peplos and sow some divine oats throughout Peloponnese.
Who’s to say Snape ain’t the same? He got bored chilling up by himself in the, er… the Snape-verse? Snape-ven? Whatever. Point is, maybe he got his jollies from coming down to engage in a little hay-rolling with bored, middle-aged American housewives with too much time on their hands, an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, and a good internet connection. Who would we be to judge such an… immaculate figure for his eccentric tastes. Perhaps we’re the ones who are in the wrong, here. We just can’t fathom the unknowable depths of his taste.
And, you know what? I’m fine letting that one remain a mystery.
At the center of this Category Five Shit-Show are a trio of women - a Triumvirate, if you will - who, like the Kings and Emperors of old, very little traces remain of. We have their names, several graven images, and, in some cases, actual words writ by their very hands, but, for the most part, their identities, histories, and personhoods are largely lost to the sands of time, leaving us with not much more than vague outlines of who they might have been and the names of Conchita, Rose, and Tonya.
And, yes. I know. Conchita struck me as an odd name at first, and my mind immediately went to these.
Apparently, however, Conchita is also a diminutive form of the Spanish name Concepcion, which I’ve never heard of before, but sure. I’ll buy it. It’s also suspiciously close to conchinita, which means…
There’s a joke there, but I’m not going to make it. I also bet you’re learning so much today if you never took three semesters of Spanish.
Much like the Triumvirates of Rome, whether it be Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus, or Octavian, Antony, and Lepidus, the trio of Tonya, Rose, and Conchita were much the same - highly ambitious, motivated, convicted, and, perhaps most importantly, distrustful of one another. Each had their own unique flavor to their religious beliefs and the individual tenants that constructed the Temple of Snape, and each of them were always trying to ensure that their particular strain of it was the most virulent. Infighting between the three was common. Friendships were in a constant state of flux, with alliances between them breaking, mending, changing, and shifting with the reliability of the phases of the moon and the violence of raging tempests. It seems that Tonya and Rose were more reliably friendly with one another than Conchita, who, like Lepidus, often reads to be the odd man out of the trio at any given time, though, usually, when she’s out of the picture, the other two turn on another as soon as the mutual convenience of their arrangements comes to an end. What makes this tumultuous relationship all the more puzzling - and comical - is that these women were acquainted in real life. Or, at least, Tonya and Rose were. It seems that Conchita lived close enough that they did all meet in person at some point.
Now, these women were very active on LiveJournal from roughly 2004 to 2007, with a peak in 2006 before a rather rapid unraveling once the final fate of Snape was dictated by Rowling in 2007’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which concluded the series. Conchita, for her part, lodged a formal petition for Rowling to revise the story and exclude Snape’s death. When this noble effort failed, she organized an internet vigil of sorts, encouraging acolytes of the great Snape to participate by burning green candles and dedicating a single red rose to honor his name. Shortly after, her account would be deleted, and her name prescribed to the annals of fandom lore. Her final poem to Snape reads as follows:
Our love
A humble tribute to you
Unconditional and endless
Regardless of what Mrs Rowling might do.
I have tissues, if anyone needs any.
Around this time, Rose and Tonya would experience another period of interpersonal turmoil that would conclude with one final, catastrophic implosion that would put a definitive end to the Snapeist phenomenon. The fighting, it is said, was extensive, though all evidence has long since vanished from the pages of the internet. What is known are some of the root causes of this schism.
Part of the problem was that, after an almost decade-long run, the Harry Potter novels had come to a conclusion, and with them, enthusiasm for the franchise was simply beginning to wane, and the fandom, while still immense and prolific, was beginning to slow down some. Without new content on the horizon and Snape’s story brought to a definitive end, there was only so much gas left in the tank to run on before the engine finally chugged to a stop.
Perhaps this, in part, played some role in the other largest contributing factor between the schism between Rose and Tonya, who really had knives out for one another by the end. Rose, it seemed, had found a new heart-throb.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS, played by Mark Harmon. Now, before you say shakin’ my damn head, these hoes ain’t loyal, do know that she still loved Snape. She really, really liked Gibbs… but Snape was still her lord and savior. I mean, look at this surviving relic from her LiveJournal.
She was photoshopping Snape and Gibbs together and writing fan-fiction of them, which I kind of wish was still around, if only to see what exactly it entailed. In her owns words, Rose stated, “I do love Severus Snape, I love him with all my heart and I always WILL!! No one can take him away from me, but even I’ve to say that I found someone who is pretty much just like him, and my passion, obsession, need is being met there.” Indeed, reports claim that Rose was posting photo-collages of Snape and Gibbs well into 2010, before, at long last, her internet presence faded, her accounts were shuttered, and, just like the others, her name slipped quietly into the pages of history.
Tonya, it seemed, could not abide by this perceived disloyalty to their lord. Rose, it seemed, was declared an apostate - a conflict that boiled over into real life, when, apparently, Tonya’s husband “dragged” her to Rose’s house in an effort to get the two to make nice. According to legend, Tonya did apologize, but, thinking that Rose had fully moved on from Snapeism and abandoned their “master” in favor of Jethro Gibbs fully, asked if she could have Rose’s Snape posters. This, it seems, was the fatal mistake. Chronicling the events on her LiveJournal, Rose had this to say:
LOL LOL Not even when hell freezes over!! I LOVE HIM! ALWAYS WILL! Period end of story. […] when Snape captured my heart in 2000, that was that. Sure I have now another interest, but oddly enough, Jethro Gibbs from NCIS, reminds me a lot a lot of Severus! Tonya Brooks was my Lily. She couldn’t accept me for whom I was, she couldn’t deal with the close Friendship we had.
This, apparently, would be the last time that Rose would ever speak of Tonya. For all intents and purposes, it would be the conclusion of the Saga of the Snapewives, as well.
One of the most curious aspects of the story of the Snapeists is the odd afterlife and reevaluation of the entire affair, decades after the entire thing transpired - for instance, if you want a sobering fact about this whole thing, children born when this nonsense was going on are now almost old enough to drink.
The legend of the Snapewives still persist as a strange but obscure piece of fandom lore and internet curiosity, but the way it’s treated has changed drastically since I was introduced to it many years ago. I remember hearing about the Snapewives in a random 4chan thread, the bulk of the contents of which I’ve long forgotten, well before even the scholarly paper referenced in this article was published. Theirs was a tale that was met with mockery, scorn, and cruel-hearted laughter, which is easy to understand. Frankly, everyone involved in this story comes off as a lunatic.
However, time has passed, tempers have cooled, perspectives have changed, the culture has shifted - dramatically, at that - and we can look back at this lurid little tale of internet insanity with clear and sober minds… and admit it’s still pretty funny, actually.
But, I’d also say that it’s deeply uncomfortable. At first, when you laugh, you do so because of the absurdity surrounding the entire situation. As you dig deeper into the details, however, you start to laugh because there really isn’t much else you can do when faced with the sad reality at the heart of the matter. And that sad reality is this: the Snapewives - all of them - were deeply, profoundly unwell people. No healthy, well-adjusted, or functional person would have ever committed to fandom debate as much as these women did, and, on the exceedingly minuscule chance that it may have been some sort off-the-wall absurdist comedy bit, even Andy Kaufman would have had to laud their dedication to keeping it up for years.
Worse still, of the main players, Tonya and Rose were married. They all had children. Even Conchita. Part of their eventual backing out of the community and deleting their accounts was because of the harassment they was receiving from other members of the Snapeist community and the Harry Potter fandom as a whole had escalated. What had started off as hyperbolic troll comments had graduated to death threats and threats of calling Child Protective Services to their houses. Given that these women’s identities had been compromised - by their own doing, mind you - these could have been completely credible threats.
Now, I’m of two minds of this. On one hand, I see the logic. If there is a woman who is legitimately delusional enough to be this invested in a fictional character to the detriment of her friends, family, and spouse, it stands to reason that she may not be a fit mother. On the other hand, despite what any of the Snapewives may have said when they gave us glimpses into their personal lives, it was still only that - a glimpse.
According to Alderton, if the women’s words could be taken at face value, then they sound like they were attentive and engaged mothers who took great offense at having their maternal capabilities insulted. And, to be perfectly honest, were I watching these events unfold first-hand, I’d probably have given them the benefit of the doubt on that one. Escalating to threats of involving law enforcement, especially Child Protective Services, is, in my personal opinion, extreme, especially if there is no concrete, tangible evidence of child abuse or neglect.
If you’re unfamiliar with organization and think that a visit from CPS is on par with the modern day phenomenon of a streamer being temporarily stopped by the cops who drop by their residence, chat a bit, check the situation out, and leave, it very much is not. A friend of mine’s child suffered a tragic accident in which Child Protective Services was, by law, mandated to do an investigation. Only this year, three years after the fact and two after he and his wife were cleared of any and all responsibility in the eyes of the law, did Child Protective Services stop making semi-regular visits to their home. Getting tangled up with the CPS is no joke. And getting someone into that kind of trouble over fandom disputes with malicious intent is, in my personal opinion, unconscionable. In fact, for as crazy as the Snapewives seemed, the one thing that tells me they still had a shred of common sense and decency was that they, if nothing else, had the good sense to dial back their rhetoric and squabbling in the face of these threats. Again, to ascribe the benefit of the doubt, I’d like to think it was because they did care more about their children than online fandom drama, or even their supposed religious convictions.
Ultimately, I feel as if this entire mess stems from one common denominator, a through-line that crossed through all three women in equal measure - isolation.
Both Tonya and Rose were married, but both expressed profound dissatisfaction with the quote-unquote mundanity of married life. This isn’t exactly uncommon, and, even in the healthiest spousal relationships I can think of, mundanity and similar words come up with distressing regularity. As someone who isn’t married… I don’t really get it, and, truthfully, if that is the way of things, then one day I can only hope to experience that dreaded mundanity, because it seems a lot better than the alternative. After all, despite all the kvetching about ball and chains or whatever, married men are happier, healthier, and live longer than those consigned to eternal singledom2.
But - yeah. I get it. People get bored with each other after a while. Passions cool. It happens. I don’t think that’s unusual, or even really a bad thing, so long as it’s dealt with in healthy, productive ways that are beneficial to both parties and, most importantly, the children who are helpless to avoid being caught in the crossfire should one parent decide to alleviate their boredom by playing hide the salami with the neighbor.
Rose says about her marriage thusly: I mean we are still in love, but I think more and more we are very much used to each other. Why do I say that? Cause wherever we go, I barely hold his attention anymore and he looks around or stops here and there. No not to look at other chicks just stuff. I think I know now why so many my age have affairs, because things at home have become mudane[sic]!
She also wrote of her husband: I can be sitting next to him either in a HOT nighty or nothing at all and he barely notices me. […] no wonder I am more and more fleeing into my world with Master!
Yes - no wonder indeed, Rose.
Though Tonya’s married life is less expounded upon in surviving records, we do know that she stated that her husband was, quote, awaiting the moment when Severus is gone from my life forever. Notably, it was Tonya’s husband who attempted to patch up the relationship between her and Rose when things fell apart, only for his efforts to bear no fruit. What records remain of her married life seem to indicate that her husband had little patience for her Snapeist practices, and that it became an increasingly contentious subject between them, with Tonya often secluding herself to indulge in dancing - of what kind, you can imagine - which she would stop if he came into the room, or woke up from a nap, and refuse to resume until he left the home.
Conchita, on the other hand, had no husband, no partner, and refused to take one on account of her dedication to Snape. She went so far as to take a vow of, er… personal chastity, let’s just say, because she believed it would violate her vows to Mack Daddy Snape. It’s even said that a co-worker made advances upon her, which disgusted her. She wrote, I am Severus’ woman, so I will not BE with other men. […] being with Severus is satisfying enough.. why would I ever need another man?3
Apparently, this only furthered her interest in marrying Snape, but her account was deleted and internet presence vanished before the ceremony officially took place. If it ever did, we can only speculate.
Everything about this entire sordid affair smacks of eroticism. Apparently, ERP - erotic roleplay - was common among the Snapewives, with one party supposedly channeling Snape, and the other acting as their worshiper. The language they used throughout the saga - the distinctly capitalized Master when speaking of Snape, and talk of subservience and servitude - sounds less like religious terminology and more like common parlance in the BDSM community. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the contrast slavish worship of Snape sounds very, very similar to the way a submissive would speak of their dominant, rather than a respectful parishioner speaking of a creator deity.
And, yes, I understand that, in pagan religious systems, the line between sexuality and worship can be thin at times, but, so far as I understand, depended on the deity in question. For instance, if one was to go to the temple of Ishtar - Goddess of Fertility, Sex, Love, War, Politics, and a whole litany of other things, depending on what period of the Bronze Age it was - where the priestesses were also prostitutes, well… yeah. They did what the job title would imply, so, sure. I guess you could call Ishtar the original Dommy Mommy and it wouldn’t be a mischaracterization, especially when most of the surviving myths and stories feature her acting like the Bronze Age’s most spoiled and entitled princess.
But I doubt there was anyone busting it down Dirty South-style to krunk bangers in the temple of Anu, supreme creator God, and getting nasty in front of his statue. Again - I could be wrong, I’m no expert in the field of Mesopotamian religion, but I’m just saying that if you do talk about the one, the only, supreme being like he’s a leather-daddy who’s gonna spank you for being a bad girl… well, I’d suggest you get your Bible out and actually read the thing. And also give yourself thirty lashes with a belt. And sit in a cold shower.
I’ll just call the Snapewife phenomenon as it is - it was all a very complicated, very demented, very strange relationship surrogate to fill a hole that all these women had in their lives, whether it be out-and-out bachlorette-hood, or lackluster, sexless, and passionless marriages. Snape is, what the anime community might call a husbando to these women. You may not have heard of it, but I know damn well if you’ve spent any amount of time on the internet, you’ve heard the feminine equivalent of waifu. If you somehow don’t know what a waifu is, Dictionary.com has you covered, because we live in a fucking joke society run by clowns. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the official dictionary definition of waifu is: a term for a fictional character, usually in anime or related media, that someone has great, and sometimes romantic, affection for.
This is the understatement of the fucking century.
Now, for most people, a waifu is just an endearing term for a character they like a lot. That’s fine. That’s normal. We all have those fictional characters, from an anime or otherwise, that we all imagine married life with when we go grocery shopping, or take a stroll down through the neighborhood on a brisk autumn night, or laying awake at night in a bed too big for one person and staring at the ceiling fan spin lazily overhead, or on lonely drives through the expansive countryside in an empty car (because it’s a long drive for someone with nothing to think about). That’s perfectly fine and healthy and not at all strange or weird in any way. It just means you have a healthy imagination and a big heart. Believe me. Trust me. I’m not lying to you. I’m not lying to myself, either. It’s fine.
But for a not insignificant amount of people, they take it a little further than thinking a little too much about what it would feel like to hold an certain anime girl’s hand.
Case in point: Tobyn Jacobs, who’s become infamous on TikTok for taking his love for his waifu of choice just a little too far.
His waifu in question also tried to murder someone and planned to frame the protagonist of the story for the killing by faking romantic interest in him. I think that part is kind of important for context.4
The point I’m trying to make is that people obsessing over fictional characters is not a new thing, and the Snapewives passion for the Hogwarts’ potion professor is not as uncommon as an unenlightened spectator may believe it to be. The list of examples as extreme or even more so than Jacobs and the Snapewives are legion, so much so I could write a book on them.
The point is - Snape was a character that these women found comfort in, had affection for, and used as a sort of surrogate to fulfill a sucking absence in their lives.
And… maybe they used that connection for a little bit more.
You see, it’s even said that Rose and Tonya may have been a little more than sister-wives. It is said that Tonya stated thusly of Rose: It feels like a huge hole in my gut that is missing something. Like I am dead. But sitting here typing to you...I feel like it is filled again. […] I can’t function without you.
I see no reason to doubt the veracity behind this claim. With both feeling misunderstood, distant, and unappreciated by their husbands, I think it’s likely the women found companionship, solace, and comfort with one another. Perhaps they used Snape as a sort of persona behind which they could play out their fantasies in a way that allowed them to feel as if they were not committing marital infidelity, or explain away the guilt that they felt for dabbling in online erotic play.
Does this mean that they were lesbian, or even bisexual? Possibly, but I tend to doubt it. I think it’s an early instance of the increasingly common occurrence of becoming internet gay, in which lonely, isolated, and terminally online people begin romantic and sexual relationships with members of the other sex. These are usually limited to strictly online interactions, usually textual because, over text, you can imagine that your hot internet boyfriend is a kawaii nekomimi femboi - sorry. One sec.
Instead of facing the cold reality that he’s really an overweight slob in stained sweatpants that has no drip, stacks no paper, and gets no bitches because he’s on Discord all day talking about hentai and video games… but sometimes extended in voice chat and video calls. It’s basically just prison gay, but for people who’s prison is the self-imposed cyber-bars of the internet.
No women available? Well… the homie with the kawaii uguu~ animu catgirl profile pic who gets all of your obscure anime references and plays all your favorite games and upvotes your epic maymays in the chat with a poggers emoji… he starts looking pretty good. I guess. Maybe.
Despite the name, actual homosexuality has little to do with it. I think the name is a misnomer, and I wish that a different, more accurate name had been applied, because it can happen between any combination of genders - men and men just happen to be the most common because, well, most people in these situations are young, disaffected, and isolated men. There’s no shortage of them populating the dark, greasy back-alleys of the digital plane. I’m fairly sure it happens between women, as well. I’ve personally seen such a dynamic play out between men and actual, biological females - several times, in fact.
Gender and sexuality are almost irrelevant. It could be a genderless pink cartoon dinosaur or a hermaphroditic unicorn on the other end of the conversation, and the same principle would apply that these types of online romances are relationships formed out of desperation and limited options. It ain’t what you want - but it’s what’s within arm’s reach. The most satisfying food is the one you can get when you’re starving.
Given that online personas are far easier to curate than facades in meat-space, and the heavily textual nature of them allows for individuals to read whatever they want into the messages they receive since 90% of inter-personal communication is transmitted through non-verbal cues, it is extremely easy for these people to construct a mostly fictitious identity that is then projected on to their “partner”. Sometimes, this is done unwittingly, and the schlubby, overweight dork on the other side of the screen is unaware that their online friend that they swap dirty images with has idealized them into a twinkish sex-kitten and desires them carnally. Most of the time, it seems that both parties are aware of the other’s intentions, and the attraction (read: desperation) is mutual. It’s also sometimes done on purpose for malicious means by bad actors who seek to manipulate vulnerable individuals for money, attention, and sexual gratification. Regardless of the intentions, the cause, whatever, it’s usually detrimental to both parties, though not always in equal measure.
As this phenomenon has come to light and been quantified with a name, I’ve seen a lot of hand-wringing in certain parts of the internet trying to justify why this is acceptable behavior. It basically boils down to this shitty meme, which always seem to get thrown around when people try to justify unhealthy and debauched behavior:
To which the great Owen Cyclops on Twitter provided the perfect and ever-green reply to with a comic of his own:
I don’t really need to explain why this whole phenomenon of internet gay - or, perhaps I should amend it to parasocial attraction, to be more accurate - is not really a good thing, do I?
If you’re a lonely, friendless, socially isolated, awkward, and terminally swagless individual who spends way too much time in Discord servers, playing yer viddy games, and jerkin’ yer gherkin’ (an over-indulgence of which I’m convinced is roughly 3/4ths of the reason this shit happens to begin with), further retreating into a virtual fantasy world of delusions and ERPing with some other emotionally stunted and socially inept shut-in is not going to fix any of those issues. Frankly, encouraging them to continue such behavior because it feels good is like encouraging a heroin addict to shoot up to numb the pain of being a homeless junkie. Trying to mend the wounds inflicted by isolation by engaging in behaviors that only facilitate further withdrawal from reality is tantamount to trying to patch a bullet wound with another gunshot. Two drowning people won’t help each other get to the surface; often times, they just expedite each other’s trip to the bottom.
The inimitable
spoke to this kind of virtual prison that more and more people are locking themselves within in this piece, calling it Pixel Valhalla, in which he goes into more detail on this kind of vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of ouroboric self-destruction.Unfortunately, as more people - especially the younger generations - retreat into their own self-imposed and self-constructed digital ghettos, and divorce themselves further from the increasingly hostile, difficult, and often clownishly absurd reality outside, I don’t see this phenomenon stopping anytime soon. Especially when the wider culture aggressively prioritizes, emphasizes, advertises, and rewards supposed solutions that only exacerbate the issue.
Make no mistake - I did not publish this article to laugh at anyone. Yes, I’ve made jokes at the Snapewives expense, and, yes, it is, at times, undeniably funny, but I do not mean for this to be a freak show exhibit to be gawked at. The Snapewives - maybe I’m completely misreading them, but they come off as people with something missing. People with a hole in them that are trying desperately to fill it with something.
They’re people who were failed by society, and likely the people around them. Yes, I know - no one is obligated to prop up the people around them, especially if said person is a collapsing structure that will smother and kill a do-gooder in the wake of their ultimate destruction, but I feel as if a lot of people who fall into these holes often didn’t have good support networks around them to begin with.
I won’t say these figures are totally undeserving of ridicule, either. Especially when their actions begin to affect those around them. See Tonya’s husband, George. Other people may have failed these individuals, but, ultimately, the blame for their failure lays at their own feet. Someone can be pushed or pulled in certain directions - violently, at times - but, to quote Kingdom of Heaven, your soul is in your keeping alone.
More than scorn, more than ridicule, more than anything, I think they deserve a sort of compassion - perhaps at arm’s length - since I also believe that a distinct lack of it is what brought about these unhealthy coping mechanisms to begin with.
I’m not saying that anyone has to be these people’s friends, or anything. Believe me, I’ve been in spaces where this behavior is disturbingly coming, and being around people who exhibit it is at times taxing, and at times intolerable. But, at the very least, there should be an understanding that their actions aren’t simply wacky people online acting bizarrely in only the way the internet can facilitate, but rather the manifestation of deep and profound unwellness. Rather than being displayed as some kind of joke or zoo exhibit, I think the Snapewives should serve as both a testament and a warning to the dangers of where this kind of obsession and parasocial paraphilia can lead if not tempered.
Rest assured, while some people make idols out of anime girls and fictional wizards, many, many more broken people are becoming parasocially beholden to the whims of very real, very flesh-and-blood figures with agendas of their own. Look no further to the riots that gripped London this summer, which were sparked by inflammatory comments made by a popular TikTok user that had an axe to grind with the police after he was arrested for very real crimes.
In a world where online influencers hold increasing sway, clout, and influence over more and more impressionable, vulnerable people, I think the warning that the Snapewives present is one that should not be taken lightly.
What’s the correct path to take? How is this behavior ameliorated? What can be done to staunch the bleeding?
Well, I have one idea.
If nothing else, logging off social media and going outside is a solid first step to recovery. The sultry cat-eared e-girl succubi inhabiting the dark corners of Discord servers and Twitter reply-chains can’t get you out there.5
My other solution would be to open outright internet rehabilitation clinics, the kind of which you see in South Korea. Then again, they don’t seem to have done much good for the broader Korean society, given their continued fertility death spiral. Even if they had served as a sort of wonder cure, there are too many people making too much money harvesting despair in the West for the political will for something like that to ever materialize. As I always say - the nebulous they want people alone, sick, scared, and confused because it’s easier to control them that way, politically, financially, and socially.
Other than that, I can’t say for certain. I don’t know. I’ll admit - compassion, understanding, healthy companionship, and a fulfilling life in the real world would most likely cure what ails many of these people, but I’m not sure how that can be provided when so many of them exhibit behaviors that a well-adjusted person would be unable to tolerate for very long. Rightly or wrongly, hypocritically or not, I don’t fault anyone for not lining up to make friends with, say, the weird guy who brings a My Little Pony plush doll of his cartoon equestrian “wife” to eat with him in public, nor anyone who would want to avoid a self-described fujoshi fantatic that openly and loudly talks about how she wants to see the brothers from Supernatural get intimate with one another. Would you willingly want to be seen in public with some coom-brained Discord goon wearing one of these?
Yeah, I remember when these came out and, sure, I’ll admit, the shock value of it was funny at the time, but, these days, the novelty has worn off and wearing an item of clothing with literal pornography stamped all over it just seems more like the fashion equivalent of aposematism6. I’m not really a prude, especially when it comes to comedy, but wearing this in public… it’s not just tone-deaf. At risk of sounding like a nagging, hand-wringing scold, it’s really just kind of gross, because it’s literally a jacket that’s covered in images of anime girls with fucking schmutz on their faces. If you have to be told why that isn’t something you should shamelessly wear for the world to see… let me reiterate.
Sadly, I’m not sure that some of these people would even take a hand extended with good intentions, even if it was offered to them. If I learned anything from years of extensive counseling and therapy myself, it’s that personal responsibility lies at the heart of all these issues. If you pulled one of the Snapewives, or anyone afflicted with this psychosis aside and truly, honestly, genuinely tried to offer them advice and assistance on how to get out of the hole they were in, there’s nothing more you can do than say your piece and hope they listen, because you can’t change anyone’s behavior - they have to have the desire to do it themselves. Nothing else will suffice.
But, rather than serve as figures of mockery, they can also be held up as tragic examples of what not to do, and what kind of behavior to avoid, so that, hopefully, someone sliding into these kinds of situations, or perhaps already in the throes of them themselves, can identify them accordingly and course correct before they hurt themselves, or, more importantly, others. In my opinion, that’s the most important piece of it all - if you want to retreat into a digital Wonderland and self-medicate with delusions at your own expense… that’s really on you, but it’s the people around you who did nothing wrong and don’t deserve to be pulled down along with you, like ship-wreck survivors being sucked down into the abyss by the wake of a submerging ship - those are the faultless victims.
It’s easy to forget, but even behind the most isolated individual lost in Pixel Valhalla, there’s most likely someone they left behind, and someone who profoundly feels their absence. A caring parent who doesn’t understand why their son locked himself in his basement and became a stranger in their own home. An ex-partner who was abandoned in favor of some fictional character stamped on a hug-pillow and terabytes upon terabytes of lascivious images and videos. A child left to watch television alone while their parent wastes another night away self-medicating in a den of on-line lotus eaters, bullshitting with strangers in a streamer’s chat.
This isn’t to say that these victims don’t have or won’t go on to have happy, healthy, and fulfilling lives independent of those who fall prey to the machinations of Pixel Valhalla, but - I’m speaking from experience, here - they’ll always feel that nagging weight of those they had to leave behind in order to get there. It may not always seem strong and, sometimes, you might be able to ignore it altogether. Every now and then, though, you’ll feel that familiar absence of their presence - like a breeze winding through a hole in a brick wall, and you’ll remember them. The people you couldn’t get up that hill. The people you just couldn’t help, and you’ll never really understand why you couldn’t or why these hollow, digital simulacra were more valuable to them than you and your companionship, whatever the nature of your relation might have been was.
Unfortunately, for as well-meaning, inspiring, and hopeful as the eternal rallying cry of We’re all gonna make it may be, coined by the late body-builder Zyzz of /fit/ fame…
We all know it isn’t entirely true.
Ultimately, I hope Rose, Tonya, and Conchita moved beyond this episode of their lives. I hope they got professional help, if that’s what they needed, and, if not, I at least hope that they were able to mend bridges where they had to and reestablished healthy relationships with their spouses, friends, family, or whoever else might have been affected by their brief but intense dalliance with this episode of parasocial paraphilia. They don’t seem like bad people. Misguided, yes. Immature, severely. But truly malicious or evil? Doubtful. I sincerely mean it when I say I hope they’re happy, healthy, and fulfilled, wherever they may be today.
In a way, I find their tale to be mythical. Not just because of the religious overtones, not because of the fact that their story is half-shrouded in legend and buried in the digital sands of internet history, not even because they seemed to be a harbinger, an omen, an odious flock of crows on a clear summer day or strange stars glimmering wickedly in the night sky, that heralded a terrible plague that only just now seems to be taking shape.
To me, it’s more that they’re tragic figures. Like Oedipus, like Icarus, like Midas, and so many others, they stand as stark and perhaps frightening examples of what unfettered human indulgence and impulses can result in. Just like our forebears in antiquity, we ignore the warnings presented by these figures and their stories at our own peril.
Perhaps more than any other man of myth or legend, I see these people as Samson - a man betrayed by his own lust. Currently, I believe we have an abundance of Samsons currently lounging in the digital arms of an army of artificial, doe-eyed, anime-style Delilahs, whispering sweet nothings and hollow platitudes as the prepare to cut their hair or slit their throats and slowly but surely bleed them dry of every penny in their pocket and all the humanity in their heart. This may not seem like anything more than a personal problem for all these poor, deluded souls, trapped in these vicious cycles of hedonism and self-indulgence. And, for the most part, it is. But, as I said - these people, men and women alike, are not meant to serve as a joke, but a warning.
After all - what fate befell the Philistines, laughing at the blinded, humbled, hobbled, and broken Samson as he performed like a fool for them, when he finally broke free of his stupor?
Was anyone laughing at him then?
And, yes, I know that this rule was probably actually instituted because of the likelihood of contracting a fatal foodborne illness from shellfish and not just because of some old Jewish scold that didn’t like coconut shrimp or lobster bisque.
So maybe think about that before you whinge about the putzfrau, next time.
Apparently, this is all part of a bit that Jacobs does, and while I understand that you always, always commit to the bit, and commend him for his dedication, I still can’t shake the feeling that it isn’t entirely a joke.
Yet.
Make no mistake - these were super popular at anime conventions circa 2014, but the only people still wearing these are so addicted to pornography that you can practically feel it radiating off them.
I see you've started using the archaeological analogy for digging around in the digital tell of the internet. Good shout.
I do find the seedier and stranger edges of fandom to be sickly fascinating. People using the digital lotus machine to speedrun all sorts of bizarre disorders and perversities, made more sickening by the fact that a fair portion of our millennia-old civilisational superstructure seems to exist for the purpose of suppressing these maladies. Here I think the metaphor of the language of demonology best describes it. The internet enables relatively normal people to summon up behavioural demons that heretofore have only existed in the darkest alleyways in and on the absolute fringes of civilisation. Each warding circle broken (however unintentionally) in the course of digital revels simply allows ever-stronger monsters to pull themselves out of the abyss and into the poor unfortunate's head.
And that's putting aside things like tulpamancy which absolutely do have a supernatural component
"...getting tangled up with the CPS is no joke."
No it most certainly is not. My family had to deal with them for a number of years thanks to repeated false claims put in against my parents by one of my younger sisters, who is a dangerous combination of violent sociopathic narcissist and pathological liar. For a blessing, the claims started coming so frequently from her - she would lie to the parents of her friends and try to trick them into filing claims against our parents and, failing that, she'd put the claims in herself whenever she felt she could get away with it - and became so patently absurd that after sixth or seventh false claim CPS agents and the local Sheriff subtly passed info along to my Mom about what needed to be done to have her legally institutionalized in a behavioral home in our home state.
Clearly, a very different sort of trouble from what your friend had to deal with, but before they realized what was really going on CPS made life very hard on my parents. Maybe these Snapewives really were a risk to their kids, and maybe they weren't, but I fully agree with you that siccing the CPS on them without concrete evidence to show that they were indeed a danger to their kids is a bridge too far. That's not acceptable to do to someone for acting in a manner that's ultimately just demented and cringey on the public face of it.