Kid Rock: Back to the Bud

Thank God! We can all stop pretending to have values and go back to mindlessly consooming!

Well, folks - you probably didn’t hear it here first, but, if you haven’t heard already, I come bearing good news. In April of 2023, a massive, nation-wide boycott against the most popular beer in America - Bud Light - kicked off after the brand partnered with transexual influencer and possible Slenderman relative, Dylan “Skin N’ Bones” Mulvaney. The blowback was both immediate and brutal, with parent company Anhueser-Busch’s stocks tumbling more than 20%, sales declined by 18%, and Bud Light in particular losing the coveted the title of Most Popular Beer in America to Modelo Especial.

This is good, because Bud Light tastes like the scum that builds up in your sink when it’s all clogged up, and, while I try to limit my beer intake, I have been known to enjoy the occasional Modelo. On this publication? It’s always Modelo time, baby.

Almost overnight, Bud Light became a laughing stock among red America, and blue America was not turning out in droves to snatch up the cans of Bud with Mulvaney’s skeletal face and manic, rictus grin printed on it because, to approximately no one’s - they don’t drink Bud Light. When those of a left-ward political slant drink piss beer, I find they gravitate more towards local brews, such as Rainier in the Pacific Northwest, or Lone Star in Texas, which are owned by the same company (a Russian one, at that) and, after having consumed copious amounts of both, I’m fairly certain are actually the exact same thing. That, or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

For months, everyone had something to say about the matter, but few were as vocal as right-wing luminary and reactionary intellectual, Robert James Richie - better known by his nom de plume, Kid Rock. A staunch conservative and deeply principled man, known for his lyrical artistry and surprisingly philosophical themes in songs such as American Bad Ass and Bawitdaba, Mr. Rock was filmed shooting cases of Bud Light, turning to the camera, and exclaiming, Fuck Bud Light. Fuck Anhueser-Busch. Truly, a master wordsmith if there ever was one.

Kid Rock became something of the poster-boy for the boycott that followed, and, in a way. Mr. Rock reveled in the position that was afforded to him. He was proud to tell the world - Fuck Bud Light.

Why? Well, he never really articulated what about the company’s actions particularly offended him. He was just mad, I presume because he’s nominally leans to the right, and it was the cool thing to do at the time and all the gatekeepers and talking heads of the mainstream right said that it was alright to say mean

He was also proud to keep drinking Bud Light anyways, as shown in this picture taken in August, mere scant months after the boycott began. Because, y’know - that’s what you do when you’re boycotting a product. You consume it anyways and let yourself be publicly photographed doing so. Does this guy know how to lead a movement or what?

As I said - truly a man of principle and resolve.

Well, my fellow patriots, as self-appointed leader of this boycott, Kid Rock took to Tucker Carlson’s twitter show on the 11th of December to make a grand proclamation:

We did it, boys.

Yes, ladies and gentleman - according to Mr. Rock, Crowned Head of the Conservative Boycott Movement, it is, officially, once again time to get your Bud on.

Mr. Rock went so far as to say that, while he believed Anhueser-Busch’s actions to be uncool, he didn’t mean to really start anything. In fact, to him, it was just an excuse to bust out his machine gun.

“Yes, it was a mistake,” Mr. Rock is quoted as saying, refering to the Mulvaney stunt. “Do I want to hold their head underwater and down them because they made a mistake? No, I think they got the message. Like, hopefully, other companies get it too, but, you know, at the end of the day I don’t think the punishment that they’ve been getting at this point fits the crime.”

So, yes, my friends - I invite you to let bygones be bygones. Go back to drinking slop beer that tastes like donkey piss, peddled by vitriolic, spiteful corporate grifters that hate you. The fat, bloated has-been rapper gracelessly boozing his way through middle-age wants you to know that it’s okay to go back to the way things were, because it was inconvenient to try and make a change for the better, and drinking cheap piss beer is more important than pesky things like having standards, principles, scruples, a backbone, self-respect, and generally, good taste. All of those things just get in the way of consooming your favorite brands, don’t you know?

Listen. Anhueser-Busch got the message. They understand what they did wasn’t cool, and, after taking some time to think about it, well, they won’t do it again. Promise. Scout’s honor. Really! I know, I know, every time you come back on the rez after wandering off after a silly little boycott, other companies go right back to spitting on your face, pissing in your wheaties, and openly calling for your exclusion from society and celebrating the continued economic and cultural destitution of your country… but we all make mistakes, right?

Anhueser-Busch loves middle America. They’re all about the little guy! I mean, their last spokespeople for Bud Light before Dylan Mulvaney were Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer, for God’s sake. If there’s any two more principled individuals in Hollywood that would never, ever deign to speak ill of the vast majority of the country… it would be these two shining paragons of pure, unadulterated class.

After all, these two are known for their deep compassion for and unique understanding of middle America, and an abiding love for the population of what they affectionately call, Flyover Country. Bud Light has never hired spokespeople that vehemently, voraciously, and proudly hate their target demographic. Not now. Not ever!

So, just go ahead. You put in a lot of time pretending to be angry, and, really - we’re proud of you. That took a lot of effort to suck up your crippling addiction to shit beer for a couple months. Maybe you even drank one worth drinking, for once in your miserable life. But, hey - you don’t have to do that anymore. It’s time to let bygones be bygones, y’know? It’s all water under the bridge. Come home, Red America.

Buy yourself a nice, cold Bud Light today.

Mr. Rock certainly deserves one. Don’t you think you do, too?

I miss when corporate mascots didn’t talk.